Ah, thank you very much. Good to see you guys. Well guys today was President Biden’s first full day in office. Cheers and applause. That’S big That’s, big news right there. Our president spent a full day in the office. Cheers and applause Yeah. It was Biden’s first full day., I’m. Sure part of him was like quotJust to mess with everyone. I should go golfing.quot Laughter, Biden’s, barely in the job and there’s already so much to do getting control of the pandemic, boosting the economy thawing out Tom Hanks. There’s, just a lot of things Laughter, He couldn’t have went with a coat It’s like you, have a coat And gloves, or suit and gloves. quotI’ll do suit and gloves. Yeah.Quot Yeah Biden has got a lot on his plate. He’s got to build a national vaccine program, pass a stimulus tackle climate change.. When asked what should be first, he was like quotLegal weed. Now., Now.quot, Cheers and applause. Yep Biden has so much on his plate, but that didn’t stop him from getting to know his staff.. This morning he went around the room and, had everyone say their name, and what Dumpster fire they’re currently trying to put out. Laughter. That’S right Biden is trying to create a positive work environment and he even gave a very stern warning to his incoming team. Watch this.. If you ever work with me – and I hear you treat another colleague with disrespect, talk down to someone, I promise you, I will fire you on the spot.
Cheers and applause Wow., Although it undercut the message when Biden was like quotYou got that morons Laughter Don’t, make Me go Tom Cruise on your ass.quot Laughter, But the big story today was that Biden used his first full day in office to tackle the pandemic. Yep Biden released a plan called the National Strategy for the COVID 19 Response and Pandemic Preparedness. Really rolls off the tongue.. As part of Biden’s new COVID strategy, he’s launching the 100 days Masking Challenge. Biden’s smart., He knows that he can get Americans to do anything if he makes it sound. Like a TikTok, challenge. Laughter, Yep Biden seems pretty excited about his new plan. Here. He is today showing it off at the White House. Watch this.. Our national strategy is comprehensive. It’s based on science, not politics.. You can review this entire plan. This entire plan by going to whitehouse.gov. It is so detailed. It is over 100 It’s, 198 pages. Americans heard that, like quot198 pages, Alright we’ll wear the mask: We’ll wear the mask Alright. Gosh.quot That might look boring to you, but for Dr. Fauci, that’s quot50 Shades of Gray.quot Laughter Drums playing He’s like quotWha Wha. What Whoa, Spicy.quot Laughter 198 pages sounds like a lot but it’s only 110 of the size of Biden’s family Bible. Laughter, But this is interesting.. Biden’S team said that they aren’t using any part of the Trump administration’s vaccine, distribution, plan. And there’s. A simple reason for that.. The Biden administration tells CNN that the Trump team left them no plan for distributing the coronavirus vaccine.
. So on Day 1 of his presidency, Joe Biden will have to start from scratch. Yeah.. I mean honestly. What did they expect? It’S, like walking into your house and being mad that your dog didn’t do your taxes., quotRustyquot Laughter, quotI, left, Quicken open and everything on the You could have quot Yeah Biden is extremely busy, but his staff has already managed to redecorate the Oval Office for him.. He got a new rug. He’s got new curtains, even added a massive portrait of FDR. Above the fireplace. Yeah Biden made a lot of changes.. He even replaced the photo of Andrew Jackson with this. Laughter applause Beautiful., And this is cool. In a nod to his love of science. Biden hung a painting of Benjamin Franklin. And in a nod to his love of ice cream. He hung a painting of Ben and Jerry.. Can we see the photo of the painting of Ben and Jerry Yeah. Laughter Applause, But Biden is still getting used to his new office. Earlier? He got a surprise when he pressed a button on the desk and a Big Mac shot out of a drawer and knocked him unconscious. Laughter. Not only did Biden take over an office. He also took over the official POTUS Twitter account yesterday. Check out Applause Check out his first official tweet. As president.. It says …. It has all complete sentences., No typos., No caps, lock. It’s so refreshing. Can we Can we see another Biden, tweet It’s, simple.
, No exclamation point. And it wasn’t tweeted at 300 in the morning.? It feels so good. I can’t C. Can we see one more tweet It’s, so … normal Cheers and applause? 1. 2.. Music restarts No.? Oh my goodness. Thank you. Alright.. Oh my God. Please.. Thank you very much., I’m, very Laughter, I’m picking up his heavy breathing on my microphone. Sorry. Laughter. This is exciting: uh He’s, getting CPR right, now., Some sports news. Today, The Detroit Lions held an introductory press conference for their new head coach Dan Campbell and he seems pretty fired up to be there. Maybe a little too fired up. Watch this. This team’s going to be built on We’re, going to kick you in the teeth. We’re going to get up and on the way up, we’re going to bite a kneecap off alright And then it’s going to take two more Shots to knock us down., Alright And on the way up, we’re going to take your other kneecap and then it’s going to take three shots to get us down. And when we do we’re going to take another hunk out of you. Laughter In hindsight, maybe eating bath Salts before his press conference was ill advised.. Can you imagine sitting next to that guy on a plane It’s like quotSo? What brings you to Detroitquot quotI’m, going to rip someone’s, face off … Laughter, … and put it back on their head and have them watch me as I go down.
On the way up bite, another chunk of their kneecap.quot Laughter. Listen to this.! I read about a woman who spent several days in a jail in Canada and she did probably the most Canadian thing you could. Do. Listen to this. A jail in Vancouver Island is getting rave reviews after a woman stayed several nights there. After being released. She sent this card to the police department. The woman wrote quotI was nervous about staying with you guys during my trip to the island, but wanted to let you know. I appreciated how helpful and kind everyone was.quot She finished. The note offering 4 12 stars. Laughter Keep in mind. A Canadian jail is basically just a Courtyard Marriott.. I guess the review worked. ‘Cause quotTravel and Leisurequot added the jail to its annual list of top 50 detainment hot spots. That’s an honor., Some entertainment, news. It’s, just been confirmed that Bachelorette Clare, Crawley and Dale Moss have broken up after a five month. Engagement. Yep., It only lasted five months., But in quotBachelorquot time, that’s 30 years so congrats on a great run. Applause. They couldn’t believe it. They were like quotWe did everything right. We met on a TV show.. We got engaged after three dates and made out with 20 other people along the way. We Wha …, quot Laughter And finally, this is exciting.. I saw that all five seasons of quotThe Muppet Showquot are coming to Disney next month., But it seems like they’ve updated.
Some of the music to connect with a younger audience. I think. Take a look at this. Cardi B feat. Megan Thee, Stallion’s quotWAPquot playing Rapping Back of my bleep. My talk game is fire Punani Dasani it’s, going in dry and it’s coming out; soggy Your honor I’m. A freak, bitch handcuffs, leashes Switch, my wig make him feel like he cheating ha. We have a great show, Give it up for The Roots, everybody Cheers and applause. What a show we have for you tonight.. He is an analyst on TNT’s quotInside, the NBA.quot Shaquille O’Neal is here., Cheers and applause Plus she stars in the new movie quotPromising Young Woman.quot, Alison Brie is here. And we got great music from Pa. Salieu Cheers and applause. Hey everybody, our our buddy Pete Buttigieg who’s, been on the show a bunch of times had his Senate confirmation hearing today to be Transportation, Secretary. And one of the Senators Roger Wicker from Mississippi asked him a pretty interesting question.. Take a look at this.. You were on quotThe Tonight, Showquot last night with Jimmy Fallon., Yes sir. In terms of of a thrilling experience. How does being before this committee today? Compare to those I would characterize this as a unique experience. Chairman. Chuckling Alright. Very well said. Yeah Confirm that man Cheers and applause. Thank you for the shout out Senator.. I appreciate it. Sighs heavily Laughter How you doing man I’m cool. Yeah. Wow.. Can you just turn that way just a little bit, so I could see Laughter Telling me you can’t see it.
There’s a microphone.. Did you Laughter? Is that the That’s the tattoo I got it. Now I’m, having buyer’s remorse, though.! No wait! You can’t have that after you get a face, tattoo. You can’t, I know. Yeah. What’s What’s the solution, There’s a place that I found … Laughter, …, no really on the dark web. Where you can have you know, If it’s fresh enough, you can have a tattoo removed., But you have to add a chunk of different human being’s face correct. Well, I got a friend in Detroit who Laughter He’s willing to sacrifice his Well gosh. Best of luck to you for that. Thanks., But what do you think You think it’s too midlife crisis y Laughter? No, I don’t, I don’t think it’s that.! No, I think it’s, I think, it’s your Lamborghini. Laughter. I think You know what I think you should get a matching one on the other side. Or something like that Good idea: man. Yeah. Now Okay.. Let me just say honestly, no matter what you get you’re, still a good looking dude man. Come on..